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Difficult Ex

My FH has a 12 year old son.  Good kid, no problems there.  The problem is this child's mother.  She has really "gone off the deep end" since their seperation.  She's always going out and what not, which in and of itself isn't a big deal, but she is neglecting her son and lying to him in the process.  My FH and her have a week on-week off set up for custody.  She has had her son ONCE over the weekend in the last 6 (or 7) weeks.  WHY? Because she has dates and partying to do...and she tells her son this!  She drags him (when he IS with her) to her friends house so that she can chat and IM with men, and leaves her son to watch the friends' children.  Her son has ASKED his mom to slow down, he's worried about her, and he wants some of her attention back on him...

Fair enough, right?

Not to her.  She told her 12 year old he was SELFISH.  That he was trying to rule her life and not allow her to have any fun.  Then she told my FH (with her son standing right there) that if he (son) didn't "knock it off he isn't welcome in my house anymore."

So, you can imagine the stress level of my FH, his son...and well, me too.  She is running our lives by never keeping him on her weekends because we're not going to say "no" for him coming over.  Then she bad-mouths us to her son.  Her son is becoming more moody as this goes on and that, of course, affects all of us.  Not to mention the stress my FH is under trying to keep everyone happy and play peacemaker.

Has anyone dealt with something like this?  FH is thinking we should just try to get full custody and let her go do her thing...of course, I have NO DOUBT that in a few months she will pull her head out and realize what she's done and want him back.

I'm just so frustrated and I find myself frustrated with the son when I know that NONE of this is his fault.  I've found myself not wanting to even be in the house with all of us anymore because I'm so tense about it.  And, I know FH and his son are the one's that REALLY need the support and love right now.  I just don't know what to do!


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 9th, 2006 04:43 pm (UTC)
Although my situation isn't exactly like this....but is similar and I'm afraid might be slowly heading in that direction. If I were in that situation I would get in touch with my lawyer ASAP, and if I didn't have one, get one. I would push for full custody. This child needs a stable home environment. I am a school counselor and am finsihing up my degree in mental health counseling, and it sounds like you might want to look into getting the child into some type of therapy, or even just asking the school counselor to speak to him. At that age, he has enough going on right now with his own life, his body, his friends, school, extra-curricular activities. He doesn't need the added pressure of a mom who is in a way mildly abusive and neglectful. It might help him to talk it over with a professional just to get it out of his system. Maybe he could gain some coping skills from them. It seems to me that you and your FH have grasped that the most important element in this equation is the child. He needs the stability and care your home offers. It's great that you and your FH are so supportive of him and pick up the slack of the BM. Hopefully she will come to her senses, but in the mean time, I would seriously talk to his school counselor and ask them to speak to him. he's probably feelilng really bad that his own mother would rather party then spend time with him. and he does NOT in any way need to be going out with her. That's not a good environment for a child to be in. the best thing for you and your FH to do is just stay strong. I hope that it all works out soon.
Nov. 17th, 2006 04:40 am (UTC)
We were lucky to avoid a similar problem - until later
Please keep in mind that former spouses should know each other well enough to be manipulative. They know exactly how to piss each other off. They have a good feel for ways to get what they want. The one thing you don't want to do is to start WW3 or get in the middle of a fight. Someone needs to keep a cool head and do what's best for the children.

My ex-wife lost custody because she was neglecting our two kids. I had to go to Juvenile court to petition for custody, then the District Court continued my full custody in the divorce decree. I worried about a custody fight, but she never showed up in court. History repeated itself, because she took off with another guy and had two kids with him. She was already using his name and pregnant (delivered 1 mo. before our divorce was granted) when I filed for divorce. She also lost parental rights to those kids and they were placed for adoption.

My second and current wife left her husband (it was his second marriage and he had 5 - 6 kids with first wife) and he died unexpectedly within 6 mos.
My ex got back in the picture when my daughter started running away to see her. It took close to five years, before daughter decided on her own, she wanted no more contact with BM.

One key thing we did was to avoid trashing my ex around the kids. Eventually both made up their own minds about her - it was painfully obvious, but they made the choice to let her go.
A year ago, my son died and we had to deal with my ex and husband #4 - it was a bit tense at first, but no problems.

I guess my conclusion is that kids can be more mature than their parents. They often understand far more than we give them credit for.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )


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